Public Service Announcement

Good day to all;

One of the reasons I didn't make it to Zihuatanejo last year was that we were invited to a friend's place in Loreto in November. It was all very nice but I only mention this to set up what happened on the trip home, as many on the board here come through customs at LAX.

As we were heading out the door at LTO, to board the plane, my wife got pulled out of line for a random check. No big deal. It took two minutes and we were back together. If it helps catch a terrorist (which I sincerely doubt) we're more than happy to do our part. When we arrived at LAX, we were literally the only international flight that had landed recently. No lines... amazing! We got whisked right through immigration and customs. The longest part of the whole affair was the conversation the agent and my wife had regarding my wife's hair.

We had a four hour layover but we thought we'd get a bite to eat and chill at the gate, rather than try to fill the time with some sort of sight-seeing or anything. Good move on our part.

Leaving PDX, on the way down, we had pre-boarded online and both received passes so we didn't have to spend time going through the dog and pony at the gate, stripping and getting felt up (I seem to have some sort of issue with the body x-ray machines, they don't like me and I always have to get a pat-down). That pass is so nice I may actually pony up the ransom to get put on the permanent list. Or, I may just quit flying altogether.

Leaving LTO, we were not able to check-in online, so we did it at the ticket counter. My wife thought it odd that we couldn't do it online but I just chalked it up to being in Mexico. She was right, I was wrong... again.

When we tried to go through the gate at LAX, we were told that my wife would have to wait for someone to come check her out. They said I could go, but that she'd have to wait. Yeah, right, I'm going to just abandon my wife at LAX. We were told to wait "over there." As we were waiting, another couple suffered the same fate, then another. All three couples had come from Loreto, all were middle aged, and only the women were the ones that needed to talk to someone.

No one showed up for a full 15 minutes. I was getting irate and started making noise, demanding that I get to talk with someone who can inform us as to why we were being held up and ignored. Eventually someone did show and asked me to shut up... still no one to take care of whatever business they had with the three women though. As I say, it was a good 15 minutes waiting, not knowing why, in general being ignored.

When someone did show up, they just told my wife to follow them, with no "sorry about the wait" or explanation of what was going on. Then the fun started. After passing her bags through the machine, and passing her body through the other machine, they started removing every article from her bags. Not one single item was left as is. Cosmetic bags were gone through and the contents strewn about, after being opened, sniffed eyeballed and determined to not be explosives. Not so much as a hem of any pair of underwear was left unchecked. At one point 8 people were standing around going through my wife's stuff. Some were doing the searching, some were making sure she didn't try to bolt.

I was livid and was letting anyone within earshot know about it, speaking loudly to the people doing the searching and pretty much making a nuisance of myself. Pretty soon they brought out the goon to deal with me. I took things as close to the 'Curly gets arrested' line as I thought I should go. I absolutely felt helpless, abused, angry, and ashamed to be a US citizen. The other two women were undergoing the same treatment nearby, though their husbands had an easier time of toeing the line. The only other person I saw having to undergo the humility was an old guy on one of those three-wheeled, motorized carts, that could barely stand up using two crutches, the aluminum kind that have the arm braces. The dude was pretty much a paraplegic. After taking my wife to the room for the pat-down (no skin search.... freakin' slackers), they allowed her to repack her suitcase and cut her loose. That was a full hour and a half after we had first approached the check-in gate.

I was shaking so badly that I had to have a double bourbon to calm down. I've not know that much helpless rage before. Three middle-aged women and some poor, decrepit old gimp, forced to submit to their totally unnecessary cartoon at keeping people safe from terrorism. My view of who the terrorists really are is changing. I am no longer as "proud" to be an American" (in truth, I never really had a reason to be proud, I was just lucky enough to be born here).

These dedicated government tools are keeping the world protected from grandmothers and cripples. I feel so safe. It appears to me to be the "easy way out." Rather than actually do their job, and perhaps luck onto someone of real interest, they just punch the clock and draw their pay. Why take a chance on having to miss the second half of the Lakers game by actually stumbling onto a potentially dangerous individual?

Now for my advice. I saw someone asking about customs at LAX recently. I've always felt that an hour and few minutes lay-over time was enough, coming back from Z, assuming flights were all on time. We've done that dance many times. It's stressful but we've always made the connection. That never would have happened with the circus these A-holes put my wife through. And believe me, they didn't give a damn if we were missing a flight... they had a quota to meet (my assumption).

Check your boarding pass. If you have SSSS printed on it somewhere, you're in a heap of trouble and you're gonna be held up (go ahead, Google it). Somewhere, somehow, someone has assigned you to being detained and publicly humiliated in front of God and everybody. All in the name of keeping Amerika safe.

You're not in Kansas anymore. The TSA and its minions are out for their paycheck and they're gonna get it. And they'll make it as easy on themselves as possible. If you give them any crap, they'll put you on the Group W Bench and call in the goon, who will threaten you with arrest.

Other than that, Loreto was pretty nice. Not as nice as Z though.

--
Curly!